Thursday, December 15, 2011

Off Topic: Now Hiring at Jimmy John's


The perfect candidate.
 Now hiring Jimmy John's sandwich makers/customer service representatives.  Come be part of a quirky as hell team of late teen, early 20's hipsters churning out delicious subs "freakishly fast".  If you match our qualifications please contact your local Jimmy John's now!

Required Qualifications:

- Late teen to early 20's
- Long hair with little maintenance
- Complexion of a person that would either attend Star Wars or Video Game convention.
- Inability to make eye contact with customers
- Inability to have any, repeat, any customer service skills whatsoever outside of looking at computer typing in order or bluntly yelling out a number of a sandwich.
- If more than bare minimum conversation becomes necessary with a customer, it is required regardless of customer's gender to call them either "bro" ("brah" is not only acceptable but preferred) or "dude".
- So hipster that you think hipsters are uncool.
- Inability to wear jeans that even come close to fitting you correctly.  (Men- super tight almost unidentifiable at men's jeans for example. Women - either super big men's jeans or awkwardly tight and not in a good way style women's jeans)
- Ability to wear your JJ's hat in any way possible other than straight forward.
- Ability to not have bread ready when an expected rush of customers is about to happen, even though bread is a vital part of our day to day operations, it is necessary to give off the impression that despite that fact you are too cool to bother yourself with planning ahead.
- Males - pathetically thin w/ patchy facial hair
- Ability to stay up late, and accommodate night owl customers with presumptive conversation about 4:20 (dude!), World of Warcraft all while playing the horrible music from your personal library that you choose to amplify through the restaurant because it is slow and your "manager" went home to play Call of Duty.


Preferred Qualifications:

- Wide rimmed glasses that you may or may not actually need
- An ability to wear a tshirt that has never been folded, preferably never washed, but if washed NEVER folded.
- Reputation for saying awkward things to your co-workers while within ear shot of customers i.e. singing whatever song is on radio extra loud or saying such thing as, "How bad does turkey suck?" (especially if customer has just ordered a turkey sandwich), "If I wasn't so hung over I'd make this sandwich better....or worse...I am not sure", "Dude, I was on a delivery and I saw a squirrel and tried to run it over."(especially if customers have kids waiting with them), etc.
- Body odor is a plus
- Attitude of a hipster/nerdy college kid that has never accomplished anything but for some reason feels like they know more than everyone about everything.
- Delivery persons car - rusting hatchback, preferably the color maroon with severely one sided political stickers on the back.

Flexible schedules/competitive wage/tips. Apply in person.


STOB imagines this as the hiring listing for a Jimmy John's employee.  No offense meant by it Jimmy John's, we love your sammiches!




1 comment :