Another Coop DeVille Joint coming straight at ya!
As I’m lead to my chair in front of a grand jury in Federal Court, I start to get tense and uneasy. The things that I did. The horrible, horrible things that I did surf through my mind like the actors in my favorite movie of all time, “Blue Crush.” I’m as frightened as the tiny baby chipmunk. What is this awful crime that I speak of?? Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to confess. As a little leaguer, I logged stats that even the greats couldn’t touch.
I was the Cy Young of pitching and the Babe Ruth of hitting. I did things on those fields that would make Benny “The Jet” Rodriquez envious. There’s a problem though…it was tainted. IT WAS ALL TAINTED!! I was involved in an underground kiddie steroid ring that actually spread through the league like wildfire. We couldn’t say no. We had no choice. It was too good of a bargain. These enhancers came in the form of the following. I must wipe the tears before I type. Traumatic….purely traumatic. Big League Chew, Bubble Tape, Sweet Tarts, Ring Pops, Nerds, Rascals, Runts, Warheads and Lemon Heads. Huh?? Those are steroids?? NOOOOOO silly!! It’s sugar!! SUGAR!! I was a chubby little kid hyped up on SUGAR and rocked that league like KISS.
Believe it or not, I went pretty far with my baseball career and never once did I ever take anything that shouldn’t have been taken. I never ran into that “I wasn’t sure what it was” situation. Just to put that point in perspective, here are some things that if you’re “not” sure about, you probably don’t do…EVER. Flying in a plane that is missing a wing. Driving in a car with 3 wheels. Drinking something from a bottle that has a Skull and Crossbones on it. Staying more than one night at your in-laws. And taking a supplement that you have no clue about. Makes perfect sense doesn’t it?? This whole article stems from this years HOF class and it‘s only inductee Barry Larkin. Why would I mention Larkin?? I like Barry. He was a very solid shortstop that played his entire career in one city. With today’s free agency, that feat is as feasible as Man-Ram making a successful comeback. He was a very sound defensive shortstop. He had very good stats. Not great stats, very good stats. Let’s look at the numbers. 2340 Hits, 198 HR’s, 960 RBI’s, 379 SB’s, .371 OBP and a .295 AVG. Those numbers don’t exactly scream
The steroid era had not only affected the game today, but it has also affected the thought process of our games supposed legends making the Hall. Baseball writers don’t want the players who shot up to get inducted and I 100% agree with them. What it allows though is for players who really didn’t put up the numbers to get their ticket punched. Will the stance soften through time with the thought that steroids are just a “part of the game??” I really hope not, but I know there are a bunch of voters out there clamoring for the day that Charlie Hustle finally gets his name on the ballot. Time has made that particular issue become a little bit more tolerable in their minds, so what would be the difference with roids‘?? Who knows and to be honest, the amount of people who really care is continually shrinking.
MLB has become the red headed stepchild of the major sports. From steroids, to gambling, to the Mets, to Daddy Warbucks McCourt and everything else in between, the league is somewhat of a laughing stock. What players are for real and who are all prosthetic?? Maybe I can get Ryan Braun on the horn and see what he thinks. I do want to give Barry Larkin the credit he deserves. You made the Hall. That’s a major leaguers most prominent accomplishment. You’ve paved the way for