Thursday, February 23, 2012

Golden Gopher Basketball – Same S%#T, Different Day

WARNING: This Is A Rant. There Are No Stats In This Write Up.

Where do I even start?

Do I start with the 5-10 record in conference? Or do I go with the fact that the team has blown a lot of leads late in a lot of games? Oh wait; it could be the fact that the Gophers are 11-22 in B1G play the past two seasons.

Either way, it’s going to be depressing. Well, maybe more of a, “What the fuck? Why do I watch this?” feeling, rather than depressing.

Last night really, really pissed me off, if you can’t tell. It brought back memories of a few years back when Kalin Lucas ripped our hearts out in The Barn. It was the same situation: Gophers have a decent lead while time is running down, and they shit their pants. Yep, right in front of 14,000 people. How embarrassing.

Last night, with what Joey Brackets called a “win and in” game for the Gophers, the diarrhea flowed once again. I could smell the stench from the comfort of my plush recliner.

Again, this is why our site is called Sports Tears In Our Beers. For me, its tears of sadness due to teams never ever reaching any sort of accomplishment. For Ben, it’s tears of joy, because he is a college basketball front runner. Sure, he will say that he follows the Buffalo Bills and Chicago Cubs, but FOLLOWS is used more loosely than a stripper on crack.

Don’t for a second believe he cares about those teams.

Sorry, Ben, didn’t mean to call you out, just really pissed off and you were in my path.

Back to the hate of my life that is the Gophers. Why. Why can’t you just pull it together ONCE! I don’t want to hear about the victories over UNC or Louisville from years passed. Where did they get you? NO WHERE!


Ugh, this team is such a strain on my health and relationships. It must suck to be my girlfriend whom has to deal with me after these games. I tried hard last night to act like I didn’t care, but inside, I was burning up like the crotch of the previously mentioned stripper.

Sorry to all the strippers actually doing it to pay their way through school. Insert sarcastic smiley face icon here.

Now, you might be wondering if I have a solution for the pain. The simple answer: Yes. Find a new team and follow them. May I suggest a team that has no chance, ever, to make any sort of run in The Dance? Go ahead pick any other team, your friends and family will thank you. As well as your doctor.

Okay fine, admittedly this team has my heart, so it hurts me to write with such fire and anger, but I can’t help it. I’m not going to leave them. Much like a women in a shitty relationship, I will let the Gophers beat me and break me down, but I will always come back.



  1. Dark, yet very appropriate given the Gophers situation.

    No harm done in the ripping of me, I know you are just lashing out cause your team sucks.

  2. Ken, this game isn't getting the Gophers any closer to building a new basketball facility. This game may have been a "win and in" game, but it could have been a "win and build" game for a new facility! There goes any hope of bringing in the big recruits when they can go to mankato and play with a better facility... sorry but sad Gopher fan here(insert sad smilie here)...

    Thor Daddy

  3. Thor, you couldn't be more right. The Gophers need a new building for kids to be able to go to at all times of the year. This is an arms race. Not doubt about it. Without it, we are behind the 8ball.

    But then, on the other hand, look at Nebraska. They have one of, if not the best, practice facility in the country. They aren't any better off than we are.

    I'm on board with needing one. I think it would be a HUGE factor in recruiting. However, winning would be an even bigger factor.

  4. Abandon them and cheer for a winning MN sports team. Oh, wait.