Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Ben's Mailbag #4 - @BenMac_STOB, Who is the Marooned Gopher?, 4 Cheeses better than 1

Finally getting back to the Mailbag!  Took last week off, in order to bring you the Fantasy Football Draft Day Diary.  Then Labor Day yesterday is an official STOB holiday, so our offices were empty as we were off drinking Founding Father's Lager and only "laboring" to ensure we applied the adequate amounts of sunscreen.  Here we are though, it is Tuesday now, the daily grind is back in motion and the kiddies are back at school, so what better time to get back into the Mailbag and see what the STOB'ers out there are talking about?

Dennis via email -

I notice you now both have personal Twitter accounts.  Two questions:  A) What took you so long?  B) Why make the change now?

HEY HEY!  Dennis is one of the few to notice, but yes indeed both Ken and I have entered the Twitter world now as individuals.  We used to hide behind the STOB group account and make are smarmy comments with some sense of anonymity but now we are putting a face on em.

My (Ben) account to follow - @BenMac_STOB

Ken's account to follow - @KenSTOB

What took so long?  Good question, I think we kind of liked the anonymity to be real honest, but also Ken and I are slow to adapt.  Heck it was only 10 years ago we both accepted the fact that man creating fire was probably a good thing and then began using it in our daily lives.  Hot Pockets taste a lot better now.

Why the individual accounts now?  Because we felt that it would be better for STOB fans to know who was saying what via Twitter.  If for instance Ken tweeted on the STOB account, "Duke Sucks!", people may wonder if I had tweeted it and therefore lost my mind.  Now you know to ignore Ken's rants as pure hogwash, and pay close attention to every opinion I spout on the blue bird's site.


Joe via email -

Who is the Marooned Gopher?

It is a Gopher.  A Marooned Gopher.  A Marooned Gopher that knows how to type and has strong sports opinions, many of them relating to the University of Minnesota sports teams.

I was walking through a field one day, and I heard this squeaking.  Turned out it was this Marooned Gopher.  I bent down into the grass to try to decipher what his squeaks meant.  I stayed there for a good two hours...then...it all started to make sense.   "Squeak" meant "Jerry Kill needs to take care of his siezures"..."Squeak Squeak" meant, "The new AD for the U of M needs to extend Tubby Smith's contract and then build him a practice facility."  I didn't always agree with the little guy, but I had to admit that his knowledge of sports was impressive.  He went on, "Squeeeeee" he said, a great point that the NFL may want to look into soft helmets to help prevent concussions.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="322"] Family photo Marooned Gopher keeps on his tiny gopher desk.  He is second in from the right.[/caption]

From that field, I picked up the little fella and now he lives in a hamster cage at STOB Headquarters with a specially made Apple gopher computer (he'd rather have an actual apple) that is small enough for his tiny paws to type out his screed's.  Luckily his typed out squeaks are in almost perfect english.  He works eight hours a day for peanuts....literally peanuts...he really likes them.  You will see him around STOB for as long as a gopher heart keeps pumping...2-3 years on average.


Anonymous via email -

It is the political season and the presidential election is closing in.  Who would be a sports player who would be voted the president of sports?

Let's break it down as the president of each professional sport just because actually answering your question would make too much sense:

NBA - Kevin Love

Reason - He has a ton of foreign players on his team now, and with that his foreign relations would be very strong.  He has said many times that he saves a big portion of each paycheck he gets, showing that he is very frugal and won't waste tax dollars.  He isn't as physically gifted as others, therefore he is a self built man, and has a good work ethic.  Also, after his weight loss there is no chance that the late night talk shows can tell a bunch of fat jokes.  He is well liked among the elites of NBA society after his "lol, rofl, lmfao" instagram pics from London.  Those show he has fun and rubs elbows with the best of the best in the NBA.

NFL - Ray Lewis

Reason - If you don't vote for him, he'll stab you.

NHL - Tim Thomas

Reason - He is politically active, actually sitting out of the Bruins trip to the White House because of his disagreements in policy with Barack Obama.  Guy is willing to take a stand, even if it was a stupid stand to take, not because he can't disagree with the president, but it's a trip to the White House as the champs, not a "because we are here, this means we all agree with everything Barack Obama does" trip.

MLB - Josh Hamilton

Reason - Just like George W Bush, Hamilton was a drunk.  But he isn't (or is he?) anymore and now he is loved by everyone!


Dana via email - 

Your fantasy draft sucked.  Why did you take Romo over Rivers?  That will comeback to bite you.

Dana, I flipped a coin.  Also, RG-III will make it so Romo is irrelevant for my team anyways.

But to more serious topics.  Have you tried the 4 cheese Cheez-Its?  These things are incredible.  It's like they took the white cheddar, my previous favorite, and added three cheeses to it and made your head explode with greatness!


Mrs. Duke via kitchen conversation -

Will Kim and Kanye make it?


First of all they are the most hateable couple I've ever bared witness to.  You can't root for either of them.  Kim, famous for being in a porno that her mom distributed.  Kanye, famous for being a guy who knows Jay-Z and was lucky enough that Jay-Z let him play around a bit with the audio equipment when he wasn't using it.

Now, Kim is on a TV show, where we learn she is the least talented of her siblings.  Khloe and Kourtney are funnier.  Rob is a harder worker, but nobody notices because no one wants to watch a porno with him in it...Kris has looked into it...didn't go over well with test markets.

Kanye, just like Kim, is also the least talented within the group of people he hangs out with.  So they have that in common.

I think they have so much in common they will continue on for a good long while.  Likely a wedding on E!, then a breakup...on E!  Then an angry auto tuned rap song by Kanye about the relationship will make Kim cry...on E!


Mailbag Recap:

Don't listen to anything Ken says on Twitter.  Steve Jobs dying wish was to make a Gopher compatible computer...mission accomplished. Ben is a racist because 3 out of 4 "sports presidents" he picked were white.  Four Cheese Cheez-Its are better than you.  "Kimye" will make it just so we can hate them more!

Get your question answered, email me at ben@stobblog.com.

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