Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Tacos vs. Veggy Tray: Vegetable Terrorists Win

The gameday food battle is raging like it rarely has ever before right now in the land of TV commercials.  You have KFC’s “Gameday Bucket” going BOOM!  Papa Johns awkwardly acting shocked that Peyton Manning is giving away all of his pizza free.  Then the...ok, so already I’ve run out of examples, but outside of the non-stop wireless provider/cell phone commercials they maybe the most frequent ad you see up until and through Super Bowl Sunday. 

Another company attempting to dive in to the voracious appetite of the “gameday” crowds is Taco Bell (like KFC, owned by Yum! FYI).  They have two commercials out that make you want to sit down with your perfectly diverse group of friends (What? Your group of pals isn't perfectly diverse? Racist.) and throw down some tacos or the weird appetizer taco/wrap thingies.

Taco Bell tried oh so hard to be politically correct with their new "Gameday 12 Pack" commercial.  They had the diverse group of folks absolutely thrilled by the notion of having some tacos whilst watching a game but not thrilled about a veggie tray.  Plus, even the tacos are diverse, the majority regular hard shell and the minority Doritos Locos. Who could possibly be offended by this commercial?

Vegetables, that's who.

Yup, at the beginning of the commercial it states that bringing a veggie tray is “like punting on 4th and 1,” and that people secretly hate the person who brings a veggie tray to a gameday get together.  We do.  Cause vegetables suck!  Beer and red meat till I die! (Possibly early due to lack of vegetables!)  So the carrots, celery and *insert your own favorite third item* that all veggie trays include got offended by this slight from the 'Bell.  Fine, let's apologize to Mr. and Mrs. Vegetable.  "Sorry veggies, we love you!"

There, settled.

Oh wait, vegetables can’t get offended, according to everyone except hippie vegans.  Which means a real oxygen breathing human got offended by the FACT that nobody likes a veggie tray when compared to other usual gameday fare. (which never for me has included KFC or Taco Bell by the way but I digress)  The Center for Science in the Public Interest (aka “The No Fun Zone” or “Let us tell you how to live group” or “Communists”) urged people to tweet Taco Bell their disgust at the outrageous commercial.  Taco Bell received many tweets about this subject, on top of their normal complaint tweets of, "I had a chalupa yesterday and haven't left the toilet since. #mytoiletraisedthewhiteflag"

Taco Bell's response should have been "STFU #veggietrayssuck", but instead, being 'PC", they pulled the commercial.  I suppose they feared a vegetarian boycott of Taco Bell.  Let that idiocy sink in for a second...ok now move on to the next paragraph.

There you have it folks.  Many were looking for how America would follow so many other “conquering empires”, like Rome and others, and collapsed in on itself.  You know you were looking for it, and we just found it.  It will be the pussification (no offense cats) of our society by the types of people that watch a taco commercial, boldly saying that their product would be better received than a crappy veggie tray, and getting offended enough to contact that company and force them to remove it.

It is absolutely over, Family Guy can go 30 episodes in a row with at least one pedophilia joke, but Taco Bell says, “Taco>Veggie for pleasing a party” and it must be pulled from the air.  We are a weak, weird group of people.

To battle this, please at your Super Bowl party this weekend, mock and ridicule anyone bringing in veggies or fruit.  I don’t care if it’s your own Grandma, this is a national security issue now, America needs to get it’s balls back.  It starts by not letting the red commies at The Center for Science in the Public Interest win on the biggest gameday food event of the year.  Tell Grandma she is a gameday terrorist and that her sliced carrots and celery might as well be a hammer and sickle.

Do it for 'Merica!  That is all.  I want to hear the National Anthem!  Hit it Beyonce! ....somebody hit play for the gal...

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