Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Warning: Learn From History and Don't Date a Kardashian


Lamar Odom's life seems to be in a bit of a spiral lately. At best, he got a DUI this past week and his relationship with Khloe is on the rocks. At worst, he's been addicted to crack for the past two years, disappeared for two weeks, reappeared, got arrested for DUI this week and is done with Khloe. That's not quite where we he was headed when he wed Khloe after only a week back in 2009 as a then reigning NBA champ, with still another title and a 6th Man of the Year award ahead of him.

Thing is, Lamar isn't alone in having his life take a turn for the worse after getting involved with a Kardashian (for the sake of this story, even the Jenners: Kris and Kylie are included as Kardashians). I thought about writing this after I thought about it for all of five seconds and came up with a few dudes who weren't better off post Kardashian relationship. Then I started writing and now I fear for the next guy to fall for the Kardashian...charm.

Lets start with the patriarch of the Kardashian family and work our way down.

Rob Kardashian -


Pre-Kardashian Gal -
- Started his business with a partner Radio & Records. Made a ton of dough. Was an attorney. Was pals with then NFL stud O.J. Simpson.

Relationship to Kardashian Gal -
- Married Kris Houghton. Made her Kris Kardashian. Now known as Kris "seller of her own daughter's sex tape" Jenner.

Post-Kardashian Relationship -
- Divorced Kris. Got married twice more. Divorced once more. Is probably best known for representing a double murderer in his old pal O.J.. Got esophageal cancer and died in 2003.

Rob Kardashian Jr. -

Pre-Kardashian Gal -
- Well technically there wasn't a "Pre-Kardashian Gal" for Rob as Kris is his "mom" and as his "mom" she has been there since his conception. Yet, his dad passed when he was 16, so then he was all Kris's and we will say that 16 years was his "Pre-Kardashian Gal". With that said, he was a 16 year old kid, things were going alright probably...right? Sure. Agreed.

Relationship to Kardashian Gal -
- At 16, lost his dad, biggest connection was to his mom Kris, and also had his many sisters.

Post-Kardashian Relationship -
- Has progressively gotten fatter and more tattooed and has his lack of achievements and possible clinical depression exploited by his agent/"mom" Kris on Keeping Up with the Kardashians. He has the look of a sad, aging child star with their life falling apart, only he didn't even achieve child stardom...

Bruce Jenner - 

Pre-Kardashian Gal -
- Olympic gold medalist. Pretty good lookin' dude.

Relationship to Kardashian Gal - 
- Current husband to Kris.

Post-Kardashian Relationship -
- A face only Barbie could love. Cause...you know...all the plastic...and the lack of a...you know...male unit...

Ray J -

Pre-Kardashian Gal -
- Moesha's brother.

Relationship to Kardashian Gal -
- The guy holding the camera (most of the time) in Kim's 2007 breakout "Here I am world!" moment, her sex tape. (*Reminder* That her mom helped release)

Post-Kardashian Relationship -
- Supposedly working on his next album Raydiation 2, the first single to hit "da" streets? "I hit it first". Yes, this is a song about how he had sex with Kim Kardashian prior to Kanye...or Kris (not her mom)...Reggie...Miles...or whoever is up next. #class

Reggie Bush -

Pre-Kardashian Gal -
- USC Heisman Award winner (hmm...sounds like O.J.)

Relationship to Kardashian Gal -
- Dated Kim for a while.

Post-Kardashian Relationship -
- Mediocre NFL running back. Baby daddy to a Kim Kardashian look-a-like. His NFL career actually has improved some, so there is that, but he hasn't lived up to his hype that was still somewhat in tact when dating Kim.

Miles Austin -

Pre-Kardashian Gal -
- Out of nowhere star WR for the Dallas Cowboys.

Relationship to Kardashian Gal -
- Picked up where Reggie left off with Kim.

Post-Kardashian Relationship -
- Has become an injury prone, mediocre NFL WR. Unknown if he also is dating a Kim clone or fathered any children with said clone. Child or no child, he dated Kim in the summer of 2010, following his breakout season. As you can see, it has been pretty much all downhill from there.

Receiving Rushing
Year Age Tm Pos No. G Rec Yds Y/R TD
2009* 25 DAL WR 19 16 81 1320 16.3 11
2010* 26 DAL WR 19 16 69 1041 15.1 7
2011 27 DAL WR 19 10 43 579 13.5 7
2012 28 DAL WR 19 16 66 943 14.3 6
Career 95 277 4237 15.3 34
Provided by Pro-Football-Reference.com: View Original Table
Generated 9/3/2013.

Kris Humphries -

Pre-Kardashian Gal -
- Hopkins, MN superstar in high school. U of M solid player. Solid NBA role player. Brain power at this point unknown to the public.

Relationship to Kardashian Gal -
- Married Kim for 72 days.

Post-Kardashian Relationship -
- Due to his participation in the Kardashian "reality" shows Kris became known as an absolute moron who on his best day could barely piece together a sentence. Got traded from the "coolest" team in the NBA to a team in total rebuild mode in the Boston Celtics. Also gets booed in every arena now...I guess cause he is a doofus? Or people hate Kim so much they hate a guy who fell for her? Either way, 2011/12 he was at times married to Kim, career year. After Kim....yeah...not so much.

Season Tm G MP FG FGA FG% 3P 3PA 3P% FT FTA FT% ORB DRB TRB AST STL BLK PTS
2011-12 NJN 62 34.9 5.2 10.8 .481 0.0 0.0 3.4 4.5 .752 3.8 7.2 11.0 1.5 0.8 1.2 13.8
2012-13 BRK 65 18.3 2.1 4.8 .448 0.0 0.0 .000 1.5 1.9 .789 1.9 3.7 5.6 0.5 0.2 0.5 5.8
Career 558 17.9 2.6 5.5 .465 0.0 0.0 .118 1.4 2.1 .671 1.8 3.7 5.5 0.7 0.4 0.6 6.6
Provided by Basketball-Reference.com: View Original Table
Generated 9/3/2013.

Scott Disick -

Pre-Kardashian Gal -
- Who the hell knows?

Relationship to Kardashian Gal -
- Baby Daddy to Kourtney's two children, but not married to her. Oh no! Marriage before kids? Na na na, this ain't Pleasantville. (20 year old kids, "What's Pleasantville?")

Post-Kardashian Relationship -
- Gave himself "Lordship"...so yeah...he is now a known douche, rather than likely (but who the hell knows?) unknown douche.

Kanye West -

Pre-Kardashian Gal -
- Best buds with Jay-Z. Rap mogul. Stealer of mics from Taylor Swift. Kind of a dick.

Relationship to Kardashian Gal -
- Baby daddy to Kim's baby North.............yup.........NORTH. *sigh*

Post-Kardashian Relationship -
- Cooling off with Jay-Z. Just released a terrible album. Allowed his child to be named North West. Is now a total dick rather than just kind of.

Jaden Smith -

Pre-Kardashian Gal -
- Son of Will Smith. Cute kid from a cute family. The cute kid in Pursuit of Happiness

Relationship to Kardashian Gal -
- Been dating Kylie Jenner. (technically not a Kardashian, but she is part Kris...so...ya know)

Post-Kardashian Relationship -
- Made terrible movie After Earth with his ever increasing crazy Scientologist dad. During the promotion of the bust of a movie, it became pretty evident that he is a bit of a tool.

Lamar Odom -

Pre-Kardashian Gal -
- NBA Champ with the Lakers. A good NBA player and one that after underachieving most of his career looked on the path to becoming what everyone thought he could become.

Season Tm MP FG FGA FG% 3P 3PA 3P% FT FTA FT% ORB DRB TRB AST STL BLK PTS
1999-00 LAC 36.4 5.9 13.5 .438 0.8 2.2 .360 4.0 5.5 .719 2.1 5.7 7.8 4.2 1.2 1.3 16.6
2000-01 LAC 37.3 6.3 13.8 .460 1.1 3.3 .316 3.4 5.1 .679 1.4 6.3 7.8 5.2 1.0 1.6 17.2
2001-02 LAC 34.4 5.2 12.4 .419 0.6 2.9 .190 2.1 3.2 .656 1.1 5.0 6.1 5.9 0.8 1.2 13.1
2002-03 LAC 34.3 5.5 12.5 .439 0.9 2.6 .326 2.8 3.6 .777 1.2 5.4 6.7 3.6 0.9 0.8 14.6
2003-04 MIA 37.5 6.1 14.1 .430 0.8 2.6 .298 4.3 5.7 .742 2.0 7.7 9.7 4.1 1.1 0.9 17.1
2004-05 LAL 36.3 5.7 12.1 .473 0.6 1.8 .308 3.2 4.7 .695 2.1 8.1 10.2 3.7 0.7 1.0 15.2
2005-06 LAL 40.3 5.6 11.6 .481 1.0 2.7 .372 2.7 3.9 .690 2.3 7.0 9.2 5.5 0.9 0.8 14.8
2006-07 LAL 39.3 5.7 12.2 .468 1.0 3.3 .297 3.5 5.1 .700 1.8 7.9 9.8 4.8 0.9 0.6 15.9
2007-08 LAL 37.9 5.4 10.3 .525 0.4 1.5 .274 3.0 4.3 .698 2.6 8.1 10.6 3.5 1.0 0.9 14.2
2008-09 LAL 29.7 4.4 9.0 .492 0.4 1.3 .320 2.1 3.3 .623 2.3 5.9 8.2 2.6 1.0 1.3 11.3
Career 33.4 5.0 10.8 .463 0.7 2.2 .312 2.6 3.7 .693 1.9 6.5 8.4 3.7 0.9 0.9 13.3
Provided by Basketball-Reference.com: View Original Table
Generated 9/3/2013.
Relationship to Kardashian Gal -
- Married Khloe after knowing her all of a week.

Post-Kardashian Relationship -
- Just these past couple weeks reports come out that he had been missing for two weeks, smoking crack for two years, cheating on Khloe and now separated from her as well. Also is out of work after falling out of shape during the NBA Lockout and playing way below expectations in Dallas and for the LA Clippers.

Season Tm MP FG FGA FG% 3P 3PA 3P% FT FTA FT% ORB DRB TRB AST STL BLK PTS
2009-10 LAL 31.5 4.2 9.0 .463 0.7 2.2 .319 1.7 2.5 .693 2.2 7.5 9.8 3.3 0.9 0.7 10.8
2010-11 LAL 32.2 5.8 10.9 .530 0.8 2.2 .382 2.0 3.0 .675 2.1 6.5 8.7 3.0 0.6 0.7 14.4
2011-12 DAL 20.5 2.5 7.0 .352 0.6 2.2 .252 1.2 2.0 .592 0.7 3.4 4.2 1.7 0.4 0.4 6.6
2012-13 LAC 19.7 1.8 4.5 .399 0.2 1.1 .200 0.2 0.5 .476 1.4 4.4 5.9 1.7 0.8 0.7 4.0
Career 33.4 5.0 10.8 .463 0.7 2.2 .312 2.6 3.7 .693 1.9 6.5 8.4 3.7 0.9 0.9 13.3
Provided by Basketball-Reference.com: View Original Table
Generated 9/3/2013.

What the hell is happening here? All of these guys are worse off after being involved with a Kardashian (Jenner). I guess Disick would be the one exception here, mainly because nobody who has a life knows who the hell he was prior to his relationship with Kourtney.

So, is it all the ladies fault? Obviously. Will any man ever learn from history and decide there are plenty of other fish in the sea other than Kardashians? No.

If you're the guy looking to dry up Khloe's tears following her reported break up from Lamar, take note and know that you've been warned. 

No comments :

Post a Comment